today

dear best friend,

hii. I don’t actually have a topic for today so I’m probably just going to ramble…sorry in advance.

first, my mood earlier wasn’t the result of your sass, so I hope you’re not blaming yourself for it. basically from the start of today I was just feeling really overwhelmed and anxious and it just wasn’t going well. then I did manage to cheer myself up a bit until 5th block and then our lovely friend decided to spend the whole class talking about how stupid she is while she did every problem perfectly and I didn’t understand what I was doing at all, which sucked, but I tried my best to be kind and supportive and boost her up. she didn’t want to listen to me, though, she just wanted me to tell her she wasn’t stupid so she could say “you just don’t understand” and keep going except now with the added component of me “not understanding” how it is to hate yourself? sure?? but she finally chilled out by the end of class and I thought we were ok and then we got to history and she literally started the same conversation over with you guys like I didn’t ever even say anything, which extra sucked. (why am I writing like a 5th grader today? oh well) and then we took the quiz and I barely knew anything on it and I felt pretty dumb but I figured that maybe everyone felt like that and then he was all “pretty easy right?” and people nodded and I just felt so stupid…and then your sass just caught me at a moment of “hi I’ve been spiraling into a lot of “I hate myself and I suck” for the past 15 minutes” so I knew you were joking and it was honestly ok but I couldn’t make myself give an appropriate reaction (i.e., laugh, smile, give some indication that you didn’t do it), it just seemed impossible and I just shut down because that was the only thing I felt like I could do. but yeah not your fault and I’m sorry I acted like it was.

that was actually a lot more than I intended to write but oh well, hopefully that gave you some insight. I’m feeling mostly ok now that I’m not surrounded by people, although I am not looking forward to dance…I wore the loosest t-shirt I have over my leotard and if she makes me take it off I’ll scream. also, interacting is way too much work, I don’t know how people just do it all the time, what the hell?

anyway, I unfortunately have to dance very soon so I have to end this here, but you’re beautiful and incredible and I love you so much!

p.s. the way I cheered myself up earlier was writing in my english journal about you. if you were wondering 🙂

I love you! ❤

vine of the day: https://youtu.be/wzpux4yh7bQ

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this is me (ii because there’s two different songs)

dear best friend,

heyy 🙂 I’m so so glad you had a great time at the concert yesterday, that’s amazing and I’m happier for you than you know!

it is monday (unfortunately) so it’s time for another fabulous edition of monday moods! here it is:

  • the one tour I gave where the girl said no to literally everything I asked her, like “do you like music?” “no” “do you like math?” “no” bitch do you like anything???
  • “where’d you get your shirt?” “madrid”
  • cookies being stuffed into a sweatshirt pocket
  • the inspirational posters that have appeared on the bathroom stalls
  • when I was waiting at the end of a long line to give a tour and someone started coming towards the door and I got shoved to the front of the line because I “talk smart”
  • when I couldn’t remember the word “president” and went “pr…p…pri…pr…” for a solid minute and then just gave up
  • the look I was given during “women of faith”
  • the priest dude looking like a muppet as usual
  • when our english teacher was asking someone in the hallway “is she gone yet?” and I said “who?” because I’m nosy af and she said “mm…someone I don’t want to see” and shrugged

I hope you enjoyed today’s moods!

I love you! ❤

vine of the day: https://youtu.be/HkE83Zu8z58

tonight tonight

dear best friend,

hello 🙂 I’m guessing you’re on your way to the concert now (or maybe you’re already there, I don’t know exactly when it is), so that’s sort of what I’m focusing this post on. I know you’re nervous about it because it isn’t happening the way you imagined, and I totally understand that. I imagine things happening a certain way and expect them to happen that way, and when they don’t, I get nervous and worried and afraid and all of that. so I get that, and I understand that you can be excited and looking forward to something while still feeling anxious or nervous or whatever. but I do want to say that sometimes things turn out better than the way you imagine them. pentatonix? I was crazy nervous for that, and it didn’t go as I expected. but you know what? it was better. I honestly can’t imagine a way that it could have been a more incredible experience. even the trip last year – I expected it to be great, and with the exception of our chaperone, it was. but it was so different than I expected, and that stressed me out for a while, but it was honestly (again, besides our chaperone) more wonderful than anything I could have expected. I guess my point is, I’m afraid of change, and I’m afraid of things turning out differently than I thought they would. but sometimes things, even things that I already thought would be great, turn out to be way better than what I imagined. so for this concert, I know you’re nervous, I know it’s not turning out the way you thought it would, and it’ll probably continue to surprise you. but I believe that it might be better than what you expected, if you let it. I hope that it’s everything you hoped for and everything you didn’t even imagine, and that it’s an amazing and magical experience for you. I hope you have fun, and that your mind doesn’t get in the way of enjoying every second of tonight, no matter what happens.

I love you! ❤

vine of the day (do this to your anxiety): https://youtu.be/D8j_f9eDlbA

toxic

dear best friend,

hey. (for) first of all, thank you for talking to me earlier. you really did make my day so much better, as you always do.

today, I think I want to write about…well, it’s about a certain person, the person that we talked about on the way home yesterday, that texted you about his birthday. I didn’t want to get involved in that conversation, I didn’t feel like it was my place to say anything, and it still probably isn’t but I was thinking a lot about it last night and today, and I did want to say a few things. you can feel free to ignore them, obviously you’re your own person and you make your own decisions, but if you did for some reason want my opinion, here it is.

so I know he texted you to ask about hanging out with him, and being part of each other’s lives again. I feel kind of weird writing any of this and I hope I’m not offending you, I don’t mean to imply that I know better than you because I definitely don’t, I just felt like I should offer my semi-outside perspective. umm…I really don’t want to see you get hurt by him. the thing that keeps repeating in my head is, remember that one time when I was freaking out about not being good enough for you, and hurting you, and you brought up him. you said that he had hurt you and betrayed your trust and been a bad friend, and that your relationship was toxic and you weren’t going to let him get close to you again? I was thinking about that. and I was also thinking about the fact that you’ve compared him, and your relationship with him, to her, and my relationship with her. and we’ve agreed that she was seriously fucked up and abusive and our relationship was not okay. from what you’ve said to me, at least, while your friendship with him was not the same, it was not healthy and he hurt you, over and over. and you’ve compared him to her. that’s really what I’m stuck on, is that you’ve said he’s like her.

you’re your own person with your own judgment and it isn’t in any way my job or my place to make any of your decisions for you. and maybe he has changed (although it doesn’t really seem like he has). I really don’t know. all I know is that, as your best friend, I desperately don’t want to see you get hurt. especially not by him, when you already have.

I’m conflicted about saying this, because I don’t want to ever recommend shutting someone out of your life. I wouldn’t say that to anyone, probably. and that’s not what I’m saying, necessarily. I’m just saying…I guess I’m saying that people shouldn’t have an infinite number of chances. I’m afraid that he will hurt you again if you let him back in. I’m not even saying shut him out, I’m just saying to just please think about it before you get too close to him.

I’m sorry. I’m not sure if I should even post this at all. I’m afraid that it won’t come off the way I intended it. and I know that toxic friendships are a trigger for me, so maybe I’m overreacting. I just know that you’re everything to me and I don’t want to see you get hurt.

I love you! ❤

vine of the day: https://youtu.be/LJ201maI8e4

then

dear best friend,

hii 🙂 I’m glad we’re hanging out todayyyy! anyway, I promised a flashback friday and I will deliver on that, so here it is!

  • when I lip-synced all of those waitress songs in your living room while you tried to make me knock down the jenga tower
  • your birthday party this summer when we watched black mirror and heard “good and fresh” approximately 7000000000 times
  • when that buzzfeed quiz said that your gravestone would say you had the best eyebrows
  • when our menace best friend made fun of my eyebrows and it was very rude
  • when you fell asleep in the middle of monty python (yes I know you were sick which is why you’re forgiven but still)
  • “fetus for the season”
  • when the donut baby became the donut baby
  • “zo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-i”
  • when the quartet for the ptx christmas song sounded like donkeys thanks to one very annoying human
  • when our spectacularly stealthy friend tried to take a secret picture of the guy she was obsessed with and had her flash on
  • when we watched my first ever horror movie (which, let’s be honest, I wouldn’t have been nearly as cool with if the blood hadn’t been pink)

I love you! ❤

vine of the day: https://youtu.be/Wo9p4Lqaakg

tomorrow

dear best friend,

hey 🙂 ok so I’m very sorry but I only have approximately four minutes and I feel like that’s not enough time to do a decent throwback thursday post so I think I’ll make tomorrow flashback friday instead. sorry about this, I love you sooooooooooo much and I hope you had a good day and also you’re amazing and I know you have a terrible memory but you better not forget how important you are!!

I love you! ❤

vine of the day: https://youtu.be/RUTyw9tIc-M

for you

dear best friend,

hi 🙂 I hope your day went well and that you weren’t actually sad. my day was pretty good, so that’s nice. hopefully yours was too!

before we start, I wish to dedicate this post to the conversation we just had with our lovely menace of a best friend (“is anyone friends with…”). it was beautiful.

I also wish to dedicate this post to that freshman’s laugh because it’s absolutely fantastic and I want it to be my ringtone and also my alarm.

additionally, I’d like to dedicate this post to that buzzfeed quiz about the plant because it was just so logical and realistic.

I’d also like to dedicate this post to the lovely rhyme about those clouds because it was a true masterpiece and inspiration.

lastly, I’d like to dedicate this post to our wonderful friend who came to school for an hour and a half and then left to go on vacation without telling us, because friendship.

and now that the dedications have been made, on to the actual post:

hi, hello, I don’t actually know what to write about today and I was going to do something deep and emotional and all that but then I just…didn’t? but I didn’t want to do memory stuff because I’m saving them tomorrow. so basically I have nothing, except this, so I hope you enjoy(ed) it. you’re amazing and beautiful and kind and basically every other good trait a person can have, so you should try believing it sometime.

p.s.: for the “perfect friend” journal today, mine ended with “I don’t think a perfect friend can actually exist, because there’s really no such thing as perfect. but I’m incredibly lucky to have the closest thing to a perfect friendship in my best friend. she’s everything I could ever want in a best friend and so much more. I just hope she knows it. ❤”

I love you! ❤

vine of the day: https://youtu.be/UwVVZPzo8iM