dear best friend,
hii. I don’t actually have a topic for today so I’m probably just going to ramble…sorry in advance.
first, my mood earlier wasn’t the result of your sass, so I hope you’re not blaming yourself for it. basically from the start of today I was just feeling really overwhelmed and anxious and it just wasn’t going well. then I did manage to cheer myself up a bit until 5th block and then our lovely friend decided to spend the whole class talking about how stupid she is while she did every problem perfectly and I didn’t understand what I was doing at all, which sucked, but I tried my best to be kind and supportive and boost her up. she didn’t want to listen to me, though, she just wanted me to tell her she wasn’t stupid so she could say “you just don’t understand” and keep going except now with the added component of me “not understanding” how it is to hate yourself? sure?? but she finally chilled out by the end of class and I thought we were ok and then we got to history and she literally started the same conversation over with you guys like I didn’t ever even say anything, which extra sucked. (why am I writing like a 5th grader today? oh well) and then we took the quiz and I barely knew anything on it and I felt pretty dumb but I figured that maybe everyone felt like that and then he was all “pretty easy right?” and people nodded and I just felt so stupid…and then your sass just caught me at a moment of “hi I’ve been spiraling into a lot of “I hate myself and I suck” for the past 15 minutes” so I knew you were joking and it was honestly ok but I couldn’t make myself give an appropriate reaction (i.e., laugh, smile, give some indication that you didn’t do it), it just seemed impossible and I just shut down because that was the only thing I felt like I could do. but yeah not your fault and I’m sorry I acted like it was.
that was actually a lot more than I intended to write but oh well, hopefully that gave you some insight. I’m feeling mostly ok now that I’m not surrounded by people, although I am not looking forward to dance…I wore the loosest t-shirt I have over my leotard and if she makes me take it off I’ll scream. also, interacting is way too much work, I don’t know how people just do it all the time, what the hell?
anyway, I unfortunately have to dance very soon so I have to end this here, but you’re beautiful and incredible and I love you so much!
p.s. the way I cheered myself up earlier was writing in my english journal about you. if you were wondering 🙂
I love you! ❤
vine of the day: https://youtu.be/wzpux4yh7bQ