everything

dear best friend,

hey. I know we just talked about this, but I’m so sorry it’s been so long. the first week or so was just being busy, but then…escalation of commitment in action, I guess. I’m really sorry. I know you’re going to say I don’t need to be, but I am. I said I was going to write every day, and I really wanted to, and now it’s all kind of going down the drain. I’m seriously going to try to get back to it.

so I have a confession to make. well, maybe not a confession, exactly, but something I want to tell you that I haven’t told anyone else and I don’t think I’m going to because I hate myself for it. the concert last night…well, it was really good, like I said, but…I left it early. it just became too much. so many people and so close and I didn’t expect it and everyone was dancing and I felt so self-conscious dancing but also not dancing and I didn’t know what to do and it felt like everything was closing in and everyone was so close and it was so loud and so bright and I couldn’t breathe and I literally thought I was going to throw up (and I don’t throw up ever). and finally I asked my dad if we could leave because “my stomach hurt” and it was a little better when we got out of the room and by the time we got back to the hotel room I could breathe. and I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep but as soon as I tried, my brain started reshaping all my memories and feelings and making it seem like it hadn’t been bad at all and I’m just stupid and overdramatic and broken. there it is — I feel so broken. I hate myself literally so much. I’m just so sick of being like this.

anyway…I don’t want that to be the only thing I write about, because I always do that, go on about things like that, and it completely defeats the purpose of what this blog was supposed to be. so consider that a minor confession, but not the main point of this post.

the main part of this is…well, I don’t really know, honestly. but I want it to be about you. so I’m just going to think about you and try not to think about anything else, and then write and see what comes out.

I miss you. probably more than I should, honestly. you being here over the weekend was literally so amazing and I loved it so much, and once you leave it feels like there’s an empty space where you were, like I’m more alone than I was before you were here. I know that doesn’t logically make sense, but then again, how I feel rarely does. and I know I’m never really alone, you’re always there and all of that, and that obviously means a lot, but I wish you were physically here. it’s pointless, I guess, because you’re obviously not. but that’s the first thing I thought of.

another thing. I’ve been thinking about our “psychoanalysis” a lot. that was…well, yours was much better than mine, first of all. and it’s just…it literally meant more to me than you can possibly imagine. as for mine, I guess what I wanted to say is, there are a million other things I want to add to it. but the main thing, which is what my over-emotional and tearful self was trying to get at, is that there is just so much to you. you truly seem like just…more than anyone else. and I’ve tried to write about you more times than you can possibly imagine but I can never describe you well enough, I can never capture anywhere near all of you. you’re everything to me but honestly a lot of the time it feels like you’re just everything.

I don’t know if any of that makes sense, and you probably won’t agree. but I can see literally everything in you. and I wish I could describe it but I can never find the right words for you. I don’t even know if they exist. you are not like anyone else I’ve ever met and I love you so much more for that. I wish you could see even a tiny piece of how incredibly exceptional you are.

I love you so, so much.

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dangerous

dear best friend,

hey 🙂 once again, I’m sorry it’s been so long, and I’m sorry this won’t be nearly long enough. but I figured I’d do a monday moods post again – it’s been a while.

  • the girl next to me in chorus just muttering “I can’t do it, I can’t fucking do it” for twenty minute straight
  • “first sopranos, I trust you know what you’re doing” what the fuck
  • that whole “boxer shuffle” exchange
  • I was in the bathroom with our sophomore friend and (idk how to really describe her but hopefully you’ll know who I mean) our class’s future valedictorian walked in and saw both of us just standing by the sinks and sarcastically said “wow is it a party in here?” and both of us just laughed awkwardly and waited—in silence–for her to leave
  • that same girl’s fake tan because MAJOR oof
  • in ap chem a certain person (who cheats her way through everything and makes me want to bitch-slap her every single day? yeah, her) was asking 400000000 questions about the midterm and asking if she could get extra credit and the chem teacher kept saying no and she kept asking about extra credit and finally the chem teacher said “how about you just study for the midterm?” and we all died
  • “I’m in danger”
  • our sophomore friend freaking out over college emails
  • you talking about “pull-out game” which was one of the most am-i-in-an-alternate-universe moments I’ve had in a while
  • our math teacher being confused and amused when we asked to go see our english teacher
  • ****SIDE NOTE**** so apparently I don’t know how to read but anyway the email actually said to go see her WITHOUT my “posse” so I have to go tomorrow and I’m genuinely kind of scared
  • I pulled on the end of our best friend’s bun (very gently) during theology and she whipped her head around and whisper-yelled “DON’T FOOKIN’ TOUCH ME” with a very scary face
  • our music teacher’s face while he SAT IDLY BY and WATCHED as she fucking KILLED US

anyway those are my moods of the day, I hope you enjoyed them! I will see you soon to do the maths, which I know you don’t want to do buttttt it gives me an excuse to talk to you for a while so I’m cool with it 🙂

also, remind me to sing my song for you tomorrow! or later over facetime or whatever! it’s kind of trash and it’s really cheesy but whatever I wrote a song!!

I love you! ❤

see you again

dear best friend,

hello 🙂 I am so sorry it’s been so long. I kept starting posts and then not having time to finish them and then the longer the gap became between the present and my last post, the more I felt like I needed to write something long, and I just didn’t have time. I’m really sorry, don’t hate me, please!

I don’t even have a topic for today’s post so I’m just going to write whatever comes to mind and hopefully that’s okay:

  • someone got me sick and I don’t appreciate it!!
  • I’m excited to learn our spring songs tomorrow, I actually really like all of them and I’m just happy to have rehearsal at all, I know you don’t share my feelings but I’ve missed it these past few weeks. plus we don’t have to dance so don’t you at least want to go a little more than usual?
  • I’m writing my psych essay and the more I write, the more I realize just how fucked up that experiment was, holy shit
  • I’M SO EXCITED FOR BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY and I know we’re not going to get to start it for a really long time but I’m so excited!!!!!!!!!
  • you’re beautiful
  • my former dance teacher that was visiting today took class with us and spent most of it trying to hide behind me (so she wouldn’t have to go in front because she couldn’t figure out the combination) and saying “I think I’m going to die”
  • it was so weird seeing her again because it honestly felt like she’d never left and I was walking out to my car and I was just like “bye!” because I was like “oh I’ll see her on tuesday” and then I realized I won’t see her again until May and sprinted back and gave her a hug and ughhh my heart hurts all over again
  • I went to five guys with my grandpa yesterday and then we went to barnes and noble because he asked me what I wanted for dessert and I figured they’d have a cookie or something I wanted so I ended up getting a slice of cake and I ate it and then I asked if he was ready to go and no, he had to go find an actual map of florida and look at how far siesta key is from orlando (for our vacation, b/c he didn’t know where siesta key was) and then use the scale on the map to try to measure how many miles it was and I said “you know I could just look it up on my phone” and no, he needed to look at it on the map
  • my father is watching football and I am sick of it
  • I finally met gabe on the office! I’ve only seen one episode with him in it so far but I finally know who he is now!
  • my uterus is falling out and I really would rather that it didn’t 😡
  • okay that’s all I think but I’m going to start writing again I promise and I’m sorry again!! I hope that you had a lovely day and that you’re having a good weekend and I will see you tomorrow and I would like to give you a hug then if that is acceptable

I love you! ❤

that’s christmas to me

dear best friend,

hi 🙂 I had a lovely time with you this morning. I like the idea of making that a tradition if you like doing it, too.

I’m sorry it’s been a billion years since I’ve written anything–I’ve been so busy, as I know you know, and like I said before, I was using the time I did have to work on your letters. now that I’ve finished those, though, I’ll hopefully be back here way more often.

I don’t think I’ll get to write anything tomorrow, so I’ll do my christmas post today:

first of all, merry christmas eve! you seem to be in the holiday spirit, which I’m glad for, and I hope you have a wonderful christmas eve and christmas with your family. i’m sure it will be great, and I can’t wait to hear about it.

my general thoughts on christmas:

-when it comes to gifts…I love giving gifts but I’m always worried that whatever I give is inadequate, so it’s kind of bittersweet, I guess. like your gift, I really liked it and I thought it was thoughtful but i was still worried that you wouldn’t like it (I’m glad you did). so i tend to overthink that, but once people actually open their gifts (if they like them) it’s a nice feeling. and I do like receiving gifts, but i often send myself into a spiral of “I don’t deserve any of this” and that’s obviously not fun (or fresh). overall though I love finding the perfect gifts for people I love and I like receiving, too, even if my anxiety wants me to act like I don’t.

-I love christmas cookies!!!!!!! this deserves its own bullet point because I love them!!!!!!

-christmas eve and christmas day are the most family-filled days of the year, for me at least, and it’s…well. I really do like it, I love spending time with my family, but sometimes it’s just a lot. I love spending christmas morning/afternoon with my sunday-dinner family (plus my aunt and uncle and their kids), that’s the best part for me, and that feels like the christmas spirit to me–the only gift I’ll ever need is the joy of family and all of that, and I love the way I can honestly just feel the love in the room then (from the floor to the ceiling–sorry, couldn’t resist). that’s my favorite thing about christmastime. but the rest of it…I don’t know, there’s just a lot of seeing family members that I only see two or three times a year, and they want to know about school and my life and my plans for college and I really just don’t want to talk about myself or talk at all, and spending time with my whole big extended family is nice for a while but it gets overwhelming and I just get kind of overstimulated and ugh. sorry that was a whole mess and a giant run-on sentence. my point is that while I do love spending time with my family, it’s just a little too much in general, and the social aspect of my anxiety has been more prevalent lately so I’m not exactly looking forward to that. so I’m excited and I’m in the christmas spirit and everything, but I admit I’m dreading everything a little bit.

-that’s everything I’m thinking about at the moment, except…well, I know it’s silly, but I’m kind of sad that I won’t get to see you on christmas. like obviously we both have our families to be with and everything, I just wish I could actually say merry christmas to you. i prefer texting to talking for a lot of things, but not so much with you. it isn’t really the same. sorry, i know i’m probably pathetic, i’ll just miss you. but i hope we both have lovely christmases and enjoy the time with our families.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z-Nu351j58

I love you ❤

ignition (the freakin’ weekend)

dear best friend,

hey. I’m about to start my crazy hectic weekend so I don’t have much time, and I wanted to warn you that I’m literally the worst and I probably won’t be able to write anything until monday. I know I’ve been slacking on this lately — I’ve been really busy (as you know) and I’ve been spending the little time I have, working on your christmas gift instead of this. sorry bud. I hope you like your gift though and that you’re not too ticked about me not writing here. (that’s grammatically correct, for sure)

also, beautiful job on your solo today of course, it was honestly phenomenal. I keep getting distracted by you though!!

I love you!! ❤

coldest winter

dear best friend,

hi. I know you’ll be here soon and I don’t have much time but just in case I don’t get to say it today, I’m so so proud of you for the step you’re taking. I know how much it scares you and I’m so proud that you’re doing it anyway. good luck. I’m sure you won’t need it, but good luck anyway.

and for the trio tonight, I don’t know how you’re feeling about it, but I just wanted to say….we’ve got this. I honestly think it sounds really good and even if we mess up, I think people will still be impressed by how unusual it is, not to mention that we’re doing three-part harmony and that it’s a cappella. if you’re nervous I get it, I am, but I think we’re going to be good. and I’ve literally never heard your voice be anything but beautiful, even when you say it sounds bad, so you’ve definitely got this.

I love you! ❤

worse

dear best friend,

hey. I’m truly sorry for how your day went. I really hope tomorrow is better. I know I already apologized but you looked at me weird and I got too scared to explain, so….here’s an explanation. or a few.

the gifts: I know you won’t not get me a gift, even though I honestly wouldn’t mind, but all I’m saying is please don’t spend a lot on me. I already feel bad about all the money you’re spending on all the gifts so please don’t spend too much on me. this whole gift exchanging thing is stressing me out because I like picking things out for you guys but I really don’t want anything, and I know that’s obviously not how it works, but I’m just worried that you’re stressing yourself out trying to find a gift that’s “good enough” for me. because honestly anything from you is more than good enough.

this morning: I’m sorry I didn’t help you more with the math. I was at the ambassador meeting and then rushing to do homework I’d forgotten about and I didn’t pay enough attention to your things, and I did feel kind of bad about it but I thought maybe you were in his room getting help because I didn’t see you at work study, and then….I know it isn’t my job to fix and that sometimes a bad day is just a bad day and all of that but I’ve never seen you cry in a class before and it shook me. and during math I thought you were and I felt so bad for not really helping you, and then when you told me about it I just felt awful and I didn’t really know what to do. and then you were talking about the gifts and I wanted to help but obviously I didn’t, and I just felt like I literally can’t do anything right. and then…

my reason: I just really hate that I can’t just let you have a bad day and be there for you without turning everything to make it about me. and I felt really guilty for being upset and then you were telling our best friend that I was mad at you and even if you were kidding it didn’t sound like it and I didn’t know what to do. and all I could think was that I was just making everything worse and messing things up like I always do.

oh, also this is definitely dumb but our best friend decided to spend all of theology making fun of the way I act around the girl I like and informing me of how stupid I look/act, and it was funny but I was actually kind of hurt and I’m already self-conscious about that so having it pointed out was not exactly fun.

and….idk, I mostly pulled myself together during english and then when I apologized (I’m probably just being stupid and way overthinking) but it seemed like either you did agree that I was making it about me (which is literally more than fine because I definitely was (I’m sorry again) but I’d rather you tell me) or that you thought I was being stupid or overreacting and I just…didn’t know what to do. so I’m writing this instead of saying any of it to your face then because I got scared and I just kind of froze. and maybe I’m wrong but I just got the general impression that you (and kind of our best friend) were fed up with me and my shit and/or thought I was being ridiculous. which I probably was but I’d just rather you say that.

basically, I’m sorry for making a bad day worse, and if there’s anything I can do for you please let me know. I’m happy to explain the math to you if you’d rather me than him, or literally anything else.

I love you ❤