help i’m alive

dear best friend,

hi. there are a lot of things I’d like to say to you but I don’t know if I’ll be able to put them into words. I’m going to try, though.

I’m sorry if it seemed like what I meant earlier was that your opinion (about me mattering) doesn’t matter. obviously, it does, and honestly your opinion on that matters more than basically anyone’s. I didn’t mean to say that it doesn’t. I just meant that you have your opinion and I have mine, and we really don’t know which one is “correct,” since we both think our own is.

about the whole fixing me thing. I really do appreciate your trying to help and I understand that you’re being a good friend by not just sitting there and letting me say things about myself. seriously, I get it, and I appreciate it probably more than you can imagine. it’s just….I really really don’t want you to hurt yourself trying to help me. you have to come first. and I know that makes me a hypocrite, but I feel so guilty that you feel like you should be able to help me or fix me or whatever, and I just don’t want you to get hurt. I know that isn’t my problem, but…I still feel kind of awful about it.

and then….I’m sorry if I made you feel bad for trying to help or made you feel guilty that you were “making things worse.” it’s just that all of the questions you were asking me, like why i don’t matter or why I think I’m so bad….I don’t have answers to those. and I wish everyday that I did because then maybe i could figure out how to help myself, but the truth is that I don’t understand myself at all. and I hate it. and maybe that’s why I try so hard to understand you and other people. who knows? I just felt terrible because i know you’re trying to help me and you deserve answers but I just don’t have them. and separately I feel horrible for even feeling all of those things because I know they make you guys feel bad and I hate that I’m hurting you.

and then there’s the whole situation that actually got us into this mess. I don’t know what to do. I just feel like I’m the one messing everything up with her and….I don’t know, I just feel like maybe I shouldn’t talk anymore. like at all. because honestly I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth is either pointless or just makes things worse for myself and the people around me.

anyway….there’s more than this but I wanted to do the short version because a) time, b) I don’t want to cry right now and c) there’s a lot of things I can’t put into words. I’m sorry for all of this.

p.s. you can of course say no to this, but do you think I could go home with you tomorrow? I know we have drama club afterschool and I’d have to get picked up for show choir at like 6:30 so it would be only for a little bit. but we could do apush if we have it or just whatever. idk. let me know.

p.p.s. I am very much panicking about those poems. oof.

I love you ❤

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