worse

dear best friend,

hey. I’m truly sorry for how your day went. I really hope tomorrow is better. I know I already apologized but you looked at me weird and I got too scared to explain, so….here’s an explanation. or a few.

the gifts: I know you won’t not get me a gift, even though I honestly wouldn’t mind, but all I’m saying is please don’t spend a lot on me. I already feel bad about all the money you’re spending on all the gifts so please don’t spend too much on me. this whole gift exchanging thing is stressing me out because I like picking things out for you guys but I really don’t want anything, and I know that’s obviously not how it works, but I’m just worried that you’re stressing yourself out trying to find a gift that’s “good enough” for me. because honestly anything from you is more than good enough.

this morning: I’m sorry I didn’t help you more with the math. I was at the ambassador meeting and then rushing to do homework I’d forgotten about and I didn’t pay enough attention to your things, and I did feel kind of bad about it but I thought maybe you were in his room getting help because I didn’t see you at work study, and then….I know it isn’t my job to fix and that sometimes a bad day is just a bad day and all of that but I’ve never seen you cry in a class before and it shook me. and during math I thought you were and I felt so bad for not really helping you, and then when you told me about it I just felt awful and I didn’t really know what to do. and then you were talking about the gifts and I wanted to help but obviously I didn’t, and I just felt like I literally can’t do anything right. and then…

my reason: I just really hate that I can’t just let you have a bad day and be there for you without turning everything to make it about me. and I felt really guilty for being upset and then you were telling our best friend that I was mad at you and even if you were kidding it didn’t sound like it and I didn’t know what to do. and all I could think was that I was just making everything worse and messing things up like I always do.

oh, also this is definitely dumb but our best friend decided to spend all of theology making fun of the way I act around the girl I like and informing me of how stupid I look/act, and it was funny but I was actually kind of hurt and I’m already self-conscious about that so having it pointed out was not exactly fun.

and….idk, I mostly pulled myself together during english and then when I apologized (I’m probably just being stupid and way overthinking) but it seemed like either you did agree that I was making it about me (which is literally more than fine because I definitely was (I’m sorry again) but I’d rather you tell me) or that you thought I was being stupid or overreacting and I just…didn’t know what to do. so I’m writing this instead of saying any of it to your face then because I got scared and I just kind of froze. and maybe I’m wrong but I just got the general impression that you (and kind of our best friend) were fed up with me and my shit and/or thought I was being ridiculous. which I probably was but I’d just rather you say that.

basically, I’m sorry for making a bad day worse, and if there’s anything I can do for you please let me know. I’m happy to explain the math to you if you’d rather me than him, or literally anything else.

I love you ❤

Advertisement

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s