broken

dear best friend,

hi. I hope you had a good day, and I’m really sorry if I brought you down or stopped you from having a good day. ugh. I should probably explain what was happening today…

well, this morning, like I said I woke up and I just…I didn’t feel like I could do it. and by it, I mean leave my house, interact with people, actually do things, any of it. but obviously I didn’t have a choice, so I made myself ask you for a ride because I figured if I had to walk I might just not, so I asked you and then made myself get up when you said you were on the way since I didn’t want to inconvenience you (any more than I already was) by making you wait for me. then I got to school and I remembered I had a shadow, which I was nervous for in the first place but now all I could think was how much pressure that is and how I knew she was going to think I was a loser and also I just didn’t feel ready to have to talk all day but obviously I couldn’t get out of it, so…all day I basically just tried to shove everything down and act okay in front of her. and then when she left I literally couldn’t hold it together anymore.

a couple of things that escalated an already-bad day:

at lunch…I don’t know. for one thing, it literally hurts me to see our friend not eating, and I know you feel the same, probably even more than me. so I felt shitty about that but also because I do that to you guys and I hate that I hurt you like that. and then the conversation turned to our weights and being skinny and all of that and…the only word I can think of is “triggered” but I hope you know I mean it genuinely and not in the “oh my god I’m so triggered” way everyone uses it. I just have been in an especially bad place with myself and my weight and all of that lately and I’ve been trying to ignore it, and then the other day we were talking about you trying to be healthier and all of that and now I’ve been thinking about that a lot too, and everything just kind of short-circuited at lunch today when everyone started talking about that stuff and then our best friend said “says you” and I just felt like a huge hypocrite and generally just disgusting and I started spiraling into “I need to just not say anything ever again” and everything just seemed so overwhelming and I just had to get out. so that’s that. and then I kind of pulled myself together but not really.

and then in history, I left to see my shadow out, and our school president and principal decided to introduce me to the teacher from the other school as a “superstar” and a “star student” and said that I can do anything I want and I just smiled and kept my mouth shut and then I walked away and I just…broke. I’m not a superstar, I can’t do anything I want, I can’t even function and I just feel like such a failure. and you can tell me I’m not but if I can’t be okay in this tiny little wonderful community I live in now I’m never ever going to make it in the real world. and everyone tells me I’m going to do something amazing with my life but honestly I don’t know if I’ll be able to do anything. I’m so so so terrified of the future. and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to have one. and I know you believe in me and it’s appreciated but sometimes it feels like it’s just another person I’m going to let down, you tell me I’m going to do all these things and I don’t know if I’ll do anything, and I’m just so scared. and I’m always shown off by them and my family and everyone and “oh you should be like her” but that’s the last thing anyone should be.

so I was thinking all of that and then I got back to class and you were all working and I literally didn’t know anything. like I’m not saying that to degrade myself, I literally had no idea how to answer anything. and I just felt so stupid and that on top of everything was just too much.

and in general I just feel like I’m just hurting the people I care about the most and I’m just making things worse for them and myself and i need to just stop talking and stop doing things and just get my shit together. idk i feel like I’m letting you all down and I’m just sad for you guys having to deal with me…

and then…I feel like I shouldn’t even say this, but I’m going to anyway. I guess it’s that ever since we had that conversation about dependence and all of that, I’ve been kind of second-guessing…everything. like I’m afraid to even be writing any of this post because I’m not sure if I’m laying too much on you. I just feel like I’m putting a huge burden on all of you guys but especially you and I don’t know what to do. and you tell me that if I don’t like what I’m doing then change it but I don’t know what to change it to. and you mean everything to me but I feel like I’m making everything worse for you. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know. you don’t need to fix any of this. I do not expect you to try to fix any of it. I’m not throwing all of this at you to make it your problem, it isn’t, and you don’t need to make it. (that’s another thing I’m really scared of lately, you hurting yourself by trying to help me when I just keep laying more and more on you.) I’m starting to think I’m unfixable anyway. but even if I’m not, I’m not asking you to solve anything or even help, I don’t want to put that pressure on you, it’ll only hurt you. I just thought…maybe you’d want to know.

I love you ❤